My Sexuality

 

This section is written to help explain me in the hope that it may give you clues as to how you feel and to

know that you are not alone.  It is a "warts and all" account and me being totally honest with myself and Sarah.

We have talked at length on this issue and have reached an understanding.  If you can talk to someone…it really does help!!

 

Perhaps this is what has caused me the most anguish over the years and it may well be that a counsellor

might have helped.  However I chose not to see one and to fight the battle on my own.  It is only now that

my partner encourages me to talk to her that I am beginning to accept the way that I am, though I guess

I’m still not overly happy with myself in this aspect, but we are what we are!  It does help to talk though and

the problem does not seem so great when shared.  I must stress though that you do need an

understanding and loving partner who will stand by you to be so honest.  I do now completely believe in

being open and truthful with Sarah and this has helped our relationship overcome the barriers.

 

As I said in the About Me section I am tri-sexual, Sarah’s description, not mine but it does fit.  When in

male mode I am completely heterosexual and have no desire to be with any gender other than girls.

However, when en femme my desires are somewhat mixed.  I still fancy girls and am turned on by them so

I guess that sort of makes me lesbian.  And indeed I do desire lesbian type sex with a girl.  I also though,

have certain desires towards men.  I don’t fancy them, nor do I find them attractive but I do desire (and I

believe need) to perform certain sexual acts with them.  I could never kiss a man, indeed I have no urge to,

nor could I allow my penis to be touched by one, but I do very much want to perform oral sex and be

penetrated.  Furthermore I love the smell of semen and having it over my face.  Strange and weird…I don’t

understand why.  In many ways I love the feeling of being a girl in the ultimate way yet it doesn’t itself

give me any sexual pleasure, nor is performing oral sex anything in itself a fantastic experience.  What I do

love though is being dressed sexually in front of men knowing that I turn them on and that they are going

to make me satisfy them.  Guess I am submissive in that way which is why I have the French Maids dress I

suppose!

 

Lamentably I cannot deny this part of me despite the pain and anguish it causes Sarah and me.  I just

have to accept the need and act upon it from time to time.  Fortunately though, when I dress as Rachel

and go out I do not have any desire to go looking for men.  I’m just happy to be out as a girl and to enjoy

myself in that way.  I’d run a mile if approached!  Notwithstanding anything else extreme caution is

needed nowadays as STIs are on the increase so selecting potential candidates to sate ones desires is

difficult.

 

If you feel confused about your sexuality you really do need to talk to someone you can trust.  Best of all is

your partner if you can.  If you are unsure as to whether you want to perform sexual acts with a man and

you can easily live without it, then don’t do it.  Unfortunately I have found now that I do need to do this

from time to time and that it cannot be ignored.  It doesn’t stop me from still desiring girls and wanting to

have sex with Sarah, though it does make me depressed at times.  One kick back though is that after doing

this with a man my desire for heterosexual sex increases for a time; small compensation but at least

something!

 

One last piece of advice…if at all possible be completely honest with yourself and especially your partner,

if you have one.  The worst thing you can do is betray their trust and lead them into not believing you.

This does destroy relationships more surely than anything else.  Remember that unless you can cover your

tracks like James Bond you WILL be found out eventually!  The truth will always come out.  I did try to hide

my feelings both from myself and Sarah and, as things slowly came out she felt that I was a compulsive

liar and she lost all faith in me.  Now we have crossed that bridge and she trusts me completely again.

And I will never lie to her again.  I’m not saying that all people can follow my lead but it should be a

position that all should aspire to, though naturally all should do what is best for themselves and their loved

ones.