Rachel & Sarah, The Beginning

This section tells of the early days of Sarah’s knowledge of Rachel, the pain and how we overcame our difficulties.

Perhaps the biggest hurdle that faced Sarah and I after Rachel appeared on the scene was the lack of openness and honesty that Sarah declared was inherent in our relationship.  Quite obviously I had lied to her about my true inner self and desires and, to some extent I had, over the years lied to myself.  Having had a superb man-woman relationship that was all Sarah had ever dreamed of having her hopes and aspirations for the future were swept away in a torrent of emotional outpourings that followed my outing.  Seeing Sarah’s distress and fearing her imminent departure I still kept to myself my darkest secrets around my sexuality so my initial attempts at honesty were limited at best.  And in my case it was this dishonesty that caused the most pain to her.  She now felt that I was a compulsive liar, that I had no desire for her and that I was only interested in becoming more of a girl.  Furthermore she was dismayed that I wanted to be more feminine and girlie than her.  I can now understand her fears and reaching that position is the first rung on the ladder to a better relationship.

For many years I desired not only to wear women’s clothes but to dress sexily in short skirts, high heels and slutty make up.  Sarah’s point was “Do ordinary girls dress like that for doing the housework, gardening or shopping? Why not dress more like a real girl?”  It is now my belief that my desire for wearing such clothes was borne out of the desire to be the teenage girl I never was and as a sort of sexual replacement.  In a sense I guess I didn’t know what being a real girl was really all about and chose to view myself as the type of girl many men find sexually appealing at first glance.  With Sarah’s help I have now reviewed my wardrobe and included in it clothes more appropriate to my age and to what girls ordinarily wear.  The final “coming to terms” with this aspect of my desires was my first night out at Pink Punters.  I was dressed appropriately in a mid length pink skirt, heels and nice strappy blouse and felt all of the girl that I had ever dreamed of being.  Finally the penny dropped for me…just being a girl was all I wanted, being something more was for an entirely different reason and not in the main necessary for me.  Please understand that I still have the odd slutty clothing and this is more for the reason of my sexuality; it is not anymore a desire of mine to dress that way day to day; I am most happy in ordinary, though feminine clothing.

Another key point that took some time in overcoming for us was that as our female partners they expect to be everything we need in a girl.  To then find that we want to be our own girl throws them into questions of self-doubt about their own womanhood and femininity.  Why are they not enough for us?  Moreover, in my ever-increasing desire to be more feminine Sarah became confused as to how feminine she should be and was I questioning her ways.  It was difficult to see at the time but I now realise that she had had a lifetime of accepting how she was only to now feel that it wasn’t enough.  In my turmoil and desire to express the real me I forgot about her and how she felt.  Very despicable indeed!  And most selfish!  She had chosen me to be her life partner and had “bought” a man; she hadn’t bargained for, nor desired something in between.  I now have a policy of ensuring that I be the man she wanted at times, especially when she needs me!  In return I get to be Rachel as often as I want and a fully supportive partner who wants to take me out as such.  I know that I am very, very lucky!  I must stress though that I was self-centred and it took a long time for me to accept this.  In a way I guess it was because I didn’t want restrictions placed on me being Rachel when I desired it and I was very defensive.  But a relationship is all about compromise and slowly the knowledge of the affect of my actions dawned upon me.

 Slowly though being the word!  Throughout my coming out I felt confused, angry, dismayed and was convinced I’d have to sacrifice my relationship or Rachel.  Naturally neither was desirable.  I saw no way forward for us and even felt that because I had betrayed Sarah’s love for me that I should do the honourable thing and leave.  And this I offered to do on more than one occasion, though Sarah asked me to stay.  We talked for many hours and over several months came to an understanding that met both our needs.

As I have previously stated Sarah considered me a liar, which hurt me deeply.  In all other ways I am not but I suppose a lifetime of hiding a feminine secret leads one to denial.  Especially when the cost could be so great.  Sarah had perhaps seen telltale signs of my longings throughout our history but had not made the connection.  But when she asked me one day, “What’s in that case?” and I lied, she checked and the truth naturally came out later that day.  As usual, to hide the true extent of my desires I deceived further and then still again when more came out.  As I have said, I particularly hid my sexuality but as truth will, it eventually surfaced.  And thus I was truly a compulsive liar.  I would very much like to say that I could have been honest from the outset but I cannot.  The reality is that I wove a web of deceit to hide the real me, and some of that is down to the fact that I also did not want to know.  One thing that is very hard to accept in this world is how we are ourselves.  Society is still in the main against us and life for us can be hard but we cannot change how we are so we might as well accept it and try to find happiness as best we can.  I now believe such joy is out there if we are honest with ourselves and our loved ones.  It is in fact most cathartic to finally release all of the hidden pain from within.  Sarah now knows all about me and I tell her everything.  She now says that she trusts me and knows that I will not go behind her back.  And she no longer wonders where I am and what I am doing.  And I for one like it this way!  I will not deceive her again.  I now feel that our relationship, though somewhat different is far stronger than before.  It is a relationship now built on trust, honesty and empathy.  I now always try to imagine how she is feeling and what my actions mean to her.  And most importantly what she needs.  She does admit it is nice to have a girlfriend to go out with to nightclubs but it is of the highest import to her that she has what she has always dreamed of…a man, a relationship, respect and love!  And once again a future to look forward to. 

My first real night out

This was at Pink Punters in Milton Keynes just a very short time ago.  The occasion was The UKAngels’ Club Angelic night, a regular event at PPs.  And what a superb night it was too.  I have to say that I was terrified all day and couldn’t eat before going out.  Whilst bathing I was seriously wondered what I’d gotten myself into! But my partner, Sarah had wanted me to be me and give me a taste of being a real girl so I went through with it and was very glad I did.

On Club Angelic nights many of the T-Girls stay at the Campanile Hotel, a very short totter across the road from the club and that was to be our first destination to meet up with a TG and GG married couple, the latter having advised Sarah through our difficult days via the Angel’s Partners’ support group.  On arrival, feeling very sick I couldn’t get out of the car and asked Sarah to check out inside the hotel.  She returned promptly and said that all would be fine and beckoned me to follow.  I did so with leaden legs and a quickly constricting throat!  However, once inside I started to feel better immediately as the bar was full of many other TGs dressed in far more revealing outfits than I.  At this point I suppose I should say that I was in the same blouse that you see me in on my homepage and the mid length pink skirt as in the gallery.  My heels were four inches with spaghetti string straps, a somewhat brave decision since I was to be dancing later on.

As we approached the bar the barmaid gave me a very warm smile that helped make my fears evaporate; I was actually starting to feel comfortable and sort of accepted.  Apparently the Campanile is a very TG friendly hotel and restaurant, which makes good business sense considering its location in relation to PPs.  When the barmaid served us there was absolutely no awkwardness and we were made to feel most welcome.  A charming girl and I suppose it was really no shock to see her in the club itself later on!  We sat down and I have to say I felt a lot better than the young couple near us who were obviously staying at the hotel and were clearly uncomfortable being surrounded by a crowd of TGs in an eclectic mix of clothing from normal, to Bohemian to slutty to, frankly bizarre.  Nonetheless I felt better and “with my own kind” for the first time of my life. 

Sarah then called her friend who was staying at the hotel.  Looking back I thought that meeting others would be impossible and that this was going to be awkward, but I was very, very wrong.  In reality most of us have had a long journey to get to this stage and those that have accomplished it successfully are far more relaxed with themselves and others, and more than happy to encourage newbies along the path.  The couple that Sarah and I met are two of the nicest people I have ever met and I will always owe a debt of gratitude to them for their help that night.

Anyway they introduced themselves and it was generally decided that we should proceed immediately across the road to the club.  A short walk but treacherous down the grassy bank in heels!  We joined the small queue waiting to get in to the club, which was a mix of sexes.  Again I felt very exposed and was somewhat concerned as to the reaction of others especially young lads and girls.  Yet there was no such reaction; it was like being anyway else, at any time dressed normally.  On entry to the club the dance floor was a mass of bodies of all genders with all and sundry clearly enjoying themselves. 

Our friends took it upon them to act as hosts and help us find our feet by showing us round and this was a tremendous help.  However I did have a more pressing need, the Dutch courage wine I had consumed having passed through quite quickly.  Dilemma!!  Which toilet to use?  The response I received was, “You are a lady and it is those loos you should use!  I’ll take you there!”

I followed in trepidation but not an eyelid was battered at my entry.  In fact the room was full of TGs and GGs and some were chatting away merrily.  Another hurdle jumped.

Beginning to feel totally relaxed a tour of the establishment ensued and it is a fantastic venue.  I thoroughly recommend anyone to break their duck there, but be warned-you’ll want to go back!  We went upstairs to The Attic, a quieter bar area where often meals are served in the week.  Drinks were obtained and we were most fortunate to be introduced to Kim Angel who jointly runs the UKAngels.  What a lovely girl! She welcomed me to my new world, chatted as though we were old friends and offered some useful advice.

By now I was beginning to feel like I belonged and it was a sheer joy to be referred to constantly as a lady and to be called Rachel by everyone.  Men even stood by to let me pass!  Once I even went to the loo on my own past a queue of lads waiting to use the Gents.  They politely stepped aside and were no bother at all.  I must admit to feeling somewhat vulnerable near them though!  I assume that this must be how most girls feel when in the presence of drinking men!

After a while talking in The Attic we went back downstairs to the dance floor.  Here I must admit that as a man I hate dancing but as Rachel…I love it!  I had the time of my life and felt free for the first time ever.  And no one was in the least perturbed by my presence.  Following on from this we went downstairs to The Cave area, another dance floor with lap-dancing poles.  That I did not try but again danced away merrily.

Finally, at about 3.30am I was shattered and it was, reluctantly time to go.  Travelling home I had an immense sense of euphoria.  All those years of dreaming and wishing of femininity and being able to be out as a girl had at last come to be.  And to be treated as one by so many people was beyond my wildest dreams.  Will I do it again?  You betya!  Club Angelic will be a regular haunt for me as it is for so many others.  My one regret is that I should have done this years ago!  But at least I’m out now and thanks for that must go to Sarah.  And also to those others who made the night so special for me.

My advice…JUST DO IT!!!!